Posted By Dawn Kairns, Author of MAGGIE the dog who changed my life A Story of Love
Who doesn't deal with conflict on a day-to-day basis? And how many of us really learned useful tools to handle it when it comes up? Most of us are taught to fear and avoid conflict rather than to embrace it as a normal part of life. Years ago I studied the martial art of Aikido, where the key is to not resist your opponent, but to use his or her energy and go with the flow. A metaphor my Aikido instructor used to lighten our belief systems around conflict was, "What created the beautiful beaches of the world? Eons and eons of conflict, of wind and waves crashing against the rocks, breaking it down into sand ..."
Who doesn't deal with conflict on a day-to-day basis? And how many of us really learned useful tools to handle it when it comes up? Most of us are taught to fear and avoid conflict rather than to embrace it as a normal part of life. Years ago I studied the martial art of Aikido, where the key is to not resist your opponent, but to use his or her energy and go with the flow. A metaphor my Aikido instructor used to lighten our belief systems around conflict was, "What created the beautiful beaches of the world? Eons and eons of conflict, of wind and waves crashing against the rocks, breaking it down into sand ..."
The following questions were born out of both my study of Aikido and Neurolinguistic programming; they can help us explore what may be getting in our way inside of ourselves before conflict even arises:
1. Does conflict by definition imply right or wrong?
2. How does our need to be right create or prolong conflict situations?
3. Do you want to be right or happy?
4. What does being right do or get for you?
5. Which do you use more frequently in a conflict/argument, "I" or "you"?
6. What changes do you notice in yourself and the other person when you switch from "you" phrases to "I" phrases?
7. What happens when you ask questions of the other person in a conflict to discover more of their position rather than making accusing or defensive statements?
8. What conflicts have arisen for you when you have not been genuine with another?
9. What do you have to lose by seeing, hearing and feeling the issue from the other person's position?
10. What happens as you watch and listen to yourself in a conflict "out there?" And if you or the other person acknowledges you aren't certain about your positions?
11. Are you really in control when you take a rigid point of view? What other ways are there to protect yourself?
12. Is Win - Loose/Either - Or the only option? How can both parties win?
Let me know your thoughts and may conflict become less charged for you!
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